Choose the Spouse who is loyal otherwise you will run the risk of enduring long-term misery

In good times loyalty is important; in challenging times it's essential.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love.
They’re evasive, make excuses, or are just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance.
You end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected.
Usually women complain about emotionally unavailable men. Yet many women aren’t aware they’re emotionally unavailable, too.
When you get hooked on someone else who is, your problem is disguised as his. This keeps you in denial of your own unavailability.
There are several types of unavailability, both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness or a troubled childhood.
Others temporarily make something a higher priority
than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, project, or a health concern.

People recently divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone new.
In the middle are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love because they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child.
Often these different reasons for unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass.
If you’re looking for a close, committed relationship, a person living in another state, or who is married or still in love with someone else is not going to be there for you. Similarly, addicts, including workaholics, are unavailable because their addiction is the priority and it controls them.
Still, some people give the appearance of availability and speak openly about their feelings and their past.
You don’t realize until you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to really connect emotionally or make a commitment.
10 Signs of Someone Unavailable Emotionally

Here’s a list of more subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up.

They apply to both genders. Following them are questions to ask yourself to find out whether you’re ready for a committed relationship.
1. Flirting with flattery. Men who are too flattering may be adept listeners and communicators, like snake charmers. Often good at short-term intimacy, some lure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.
2. Control. They won’t be inconvenienced to modify their routine. Typically, the commitment building on phobia is an inflexible and a loathe compromise. Relationships revolve around them.
3. Listen. Your date may hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationships or doesn’t believe in or isn’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.
4. The past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.
5. Perfection seekers. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy.

If they do not find perfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.

6. Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.
7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.
8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.
9. Invasiveness or evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.
10. Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest.
Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction.

Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short- term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long- term misery.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself
Be honest with yourself about your own availability.

•   Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do you like jokes at their expense? If so, you may need to heal from past wounds before you’re comfortable getting close to someone.
  
•   Do you make excuses to avoid getting together?
  
•   Do you think you’re so independent you don’t need
  anyone?
  
•   Do you fear falling in love because you may get
  hurt?
  
•   Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop?
  Although people complain about their problems, many have even more difficulty accepting the good.
  
•   Are you distrustful? Maybe you’ve been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.
  
•   Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions?
  
•   Are you uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets you’re ashamed of that make you feel undesirable or unlovable?
  
•   Do you usually like to keep your options open in case someone better comes along?
  
•   Do you fear a relationship may place too many expectations on you, that you’d give up your independence or lose your autonomy?
  
• If you answered yes to some of these questions, counseling can help you heal in order to risk getting close.
  If you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her to be more intimate is counterproductive.
  However, marriage or couples counseling can change the relationship dynamics and help you to have a more fulfilling intimate relationship.
  The challenges facing a person who is married to someone with untreated attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (also known as ADD or ADHD) can be difficult to navigate.
  These challenges may be completely hidden to the rest of the world. No one seems to understand what you struggle with. Your spouse is such a “great guy” and may appear “together” to everyone else.
  Being married to someone with untreated ADD is often fraught with a predictable progressive pattern that goes from happy to confused to angry, and finally, to hopeless.
  How does this happen and why is this so predictable in couples whose spouses have untreated ADD?
  
  In an attempt to answer that question let’s look at some of the patterns that typically come up in these kinds of relationships.
• It is important to recognize the symptoms of ADD, especially if you suspect your relationship might struggle due to this disorder.
  In the beginning phase of the courtship between you and your ADD spouse, you may have been completely swept off your feet or ravished with both attention and affection, while being the primary focus of your partner’s life.
  His “hyper focus” on the relationship probably felt intoxicating and romantic. But, this feeling faded over time.
  When someone with ADD enters into a new romantic relationship, the initial excitement feels so stimulating to the ADD brain (which is being flooded with adrenaline and endorphins) that it causes the person to completely turn their attention to you.
  However, this kind of excitement diminishes over time, along with the adrenaline rush as the ADD spouse looks elsewhere for stimulation.
  
  Of course, this is not conscious on his part, and he may not even be aware that this has happened. 
• 
  
  However, as time goes on, the non-ADD partner may experience the following seven feelings associated with his/her spouse’s need to find stimulation in places outside of the marital relationship:
  1. A sense of rejection. Individuals with ADD may often be distracted and find it difficult to pay attention to their partner. This may lead you to feel neglected or it may be interpreted as disinterest on the part of your spouse.
  2. Loneliness. If your partner seems disinterested in what you are saying or appears to ignore you, it would be easy to understand that one might feel lonely.
  3. Feeling ignored. Partners of individuals with ADD often get the feeling that all their good advice and suggestions are not taken to heart. This may cause the non – ADD partner to feel ignored, disrespected or offended.
  4. Frustration. The same kinds of problems keep presenting themselves over and over again.
  It is difficult to understand how you can have discussions around a problem, think that you are being understood and still the same problem persists.
  5. Anger. Resentment and anger become pervasive when one feels disregarded, disrespected, ignored and often alone in the relationship.
  
• Some spouses will become irate and scream at their partner, while others will shut down and block all emotions.
  This will leave a partner in the cold. Either way, one can see how this pattern becomes increasingly destructive.
  6. Exhaustion. As the non-ADD spouse tries to compensate for the lack of equal sharing or follow through in responsibilities, you can often feel depleted.
  As if no amount of effort seems to resolve these same issues that continue to plague your marriage.
  Due to the inconsistency in your spouse’s ability to follow through and remember to do things, the feelings of being burdened with more of your fair share of responsibilities can create more feelings of stress.
  
  7. A sense of hopelessness. When one’s best effort to resolve these problems go nowhere, the sense of sadness and lack of hope may pervade the relationship and lead to a separation or divorce.