Do you keep thinking that she was crazy, and she was convinced
that you were stupid? You didn’t agree
on anything, did you?. Do your fights (over little things) end with one of you
casually suggesting that divorce might be the answer? It hurt.
Do you want to have a lasting loving relationship?
Relax and:
Understood so much more about where your feelings were coming
from.
Understood your wife much more and feel more sympathy for her situation.
Be patient and loving with each other.
The truth is, even though YOU may seem to fight constantly with
your spouse, you might find it’s not that hard to completely turn things
around and save your marriage. It’s not that hard (if you know how to do
it) to actually stop fighting and start loving each other again!
It seems like a miracle, but it is true. Even your sex life can recover – it’s
not as hard as you might think.
Enjoy each other’s company again!
I know that these can seem like dark days but hang in there. If
you want to make your marriage whole again, you will succeed. There are lots of
things you can do to bring the love back before it is too late.
Treatment will be
complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions
to your issues, and have learned the
skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.
Attempts to make your partner change invite
defensiveness. Instead, use your energy to figure out what you could do
differently to stay loving and good-humored when he does things you hate.
Become "self-centered" in the best
possible sense.
The negative muck
you give each other is totally unhelpful. It only taints a positive relationship. So, stop criticism, complaints,
blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, digs or snide remarks.
Stay in the calm zone. Exit early and often if
either of you start to get heated. Calm down and re-engage cooperatively. In good time loyalty is important; in challenging time it's essential.
Spending time together with no “marriage talk” and no pressure.
Just to remember that you can enjoy each other’s company. (This might
pleasantly surprise both of you when there is less anger in the air).
Apologies and
reasoning do nothing to prevent divorce.
Many people try to
reconnect with their spouses by being apologetic, overly generous, or even by
using reasoning. They attempt to apologize for having made mistakes and
then to try to convince their spouse that his or her leaving was a mistake.
It is a mixed message–“Yes, I made many mistakes, but you should come back to
me because I have changed now.” Such messages result in loss of respect
rather than attraction, for a few reasons. The apology is too
late, the reasoning does not fit the facts, and the message that really comes
across is, “Come back to me because I need you,” which is a really selfish and needy
message. No one who
feels like they have been a victim of a bad marriage is going to want to return
just because their spouse needs them or claims to have changed. During the
connection phase of reconciling, you have to be careful not to slip into
disagreement for any reason. That’s not easy to do when your spouse is
telling you it would be better if you were just friends or to give him or her
“space.”
It will be time to
start doing activities together. Your spouse won’t want to think of this
as “dating,” and it shouldn’t be framed that way. It’s an important time
to continue to work on building connections and attraction, but with no attempt
to persuade your spouse to come back. Doing that at this time would just
break the new emotional bridge that you have started to form. Keeping in mind that
you can’t persuade people to be attracted to you, it’s important to use the
kind of communication that works to build attraction. Think of it this way–can you intentionally make
yourself attracted to someone? Or, do you find that you are just somehow
attracted to some people and not to others? That’s the way it works in
your spouse, too. What you do as the connections are being built will
determine whether he or she becomes attracted to you again. He or she can
still consciously decide not to see you, but he or she can’t consciously stop
the feeling of attraction for you from growing.
Getting to know each
other at a deeper level with more love and compassion on both sides is very
important.
Problem solving comes after,
not during the reconnection stage
I don’t recommend that
you try to get to problem solving until after your spouse starts to desire to
rebuild your marriage. Although problem solving is essential for getting
rid of the problems that led to the separation in the first place, working on
problem solving and reconnecting at the same time will make both more difficult
and less likely to succeed. It is much easier to work on problems with a
spouse who enjoys you, wants to be with you, and is motivated to work on the
issues that are getting in the way of that.
Both of you should be
motivated and enjoy making a marriage that far exceeds what it was before.
It is the connection
between you and your spouse that keeps your marriage together, rather than a
legal commitment or marriage license
People do not want to
be in marriages simply because of obligation. There is nothing protective
in having a marriage license. Marriage is important because it
demonstrates the level of commitment that couples have toward each other at the
time they are getting married. After that, they must continue to care for
and enjoy each other to keep their connection strong. This is a lesson
that many men and women do not realize until after their spouse has separated
from them. Then, they find themselves without the skills they need to
create a desire in their spouse to give them a second chance. It is
important not to try to use your spouse’s obligation to the marriage, or to the
children as motivators to get your spouse to come back. You may succeed
in making your spouse feel guilty, but that guilt will only make your spouse
want to avoid you more. Guilt does not build attraction.
The right mindset,
being calm and empathizing
To be effective in
rebuilding your relationship with your husband or wife, you will need to make a
shift in thinking. Instead of trying to convince your spouse to come back
to you because you need him or her so much, or because it’s the “right” thing
to do, you need to start thinking about your spouse’s perspective. You
need to carefully think about how you would feel and what you might do if you
were in your spouse’s situation. You need to start to empathize with the
reasons your spouse has separated. Unless he or she is a monster, he or
she has not separated in order to hurt you or to do wicked things. He or
she probably has not been happy for some time and really wants to be.
The right mindset is
important, but you will still need to know what to say and do.
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